I was glad that I made the time to go to Ohio to see my mom once more. I had decided that my reasons for not going were not all that good. Yes, it was disheartening to see Mom, compared to what she had been like the end of December. I have found that my fear of having a good final memory displaced by this one, that was not the case.
In my time with her, she only spoke to me once, and at that time it was my name she said. A few times Thursday and Friday, I tried to get her to drink a little -- water on Thursday and some of my milkshake on Friday. She did take a few sips of water through the straw; but she negatively reacted to me about a sip of my milkshake -- in a way, that was humorous, as that is the type of reaction we could have expected from her.
Because Easter Weekend is busy for ministers like Mark, Becky and I were glad to be in Ohio to free up Debbie and Mark for their responsibilities at church. We found it timely, in light of the discussion with hospice Friday evening that we (Becky, Dad, and me) had with Terri and the fact that 24/7 kicked in late the following afternoon.
When I left Ohio on that Saturday, I had with me Mom's writings about her life. My assignment was to try to sift through the material and come up with what to share about her by her at her memorial service. Most of the people who would be at her service, did not know Mom very well. We, the family, thought that if we could convey who our mom was, they would understand us better -- the people we have become, her legacy.
I did go to school Monday and Tuesday, although not many people were aware of what had occurred. Some knew I had been to Ohio and why. The teacher I work with is a long-time friend, and she knew what had occurred. Although she was surprised to see me at school those days, she understood why I wanted to be there. She made me feel comfortable about things and let me know that if I needed to take a breather for a bit, just to do it. I had with me to work on in my free time, my mother's writings. I did not have a lot of time to get 25 pages of typed material condensed to a presentation that would last about five minutes at the most.
As long as I did not talk much about what was going on in my life, I was fine. Talk to me, though, and I would get choked up.
I had two of the girls in my 2nd grade class ask me that Monday morning about my mother, as the teacher had told the class where I was. I said to them that my mother had spent the last part of Easter in Heaven. They thought that was pretty cool!
I did not want to make plans for time off until plans were settled about the memorial service. The primary piece of the puzzle was when would we be able to have the committal at Ohio Western Reserve Military Cemetery. Mark and Debbie were going to go make the plans that Monday.
It was odd to be saying farewell to Mom, when I left Ohio that Saturday. I knew that was it. It was odd to know that our family was changed. Yes, I have my moments. I get tears. I cry a little. Mom has always been here, even when she was in her bed, asleep, away from the conversation that was going on. She was a presence.
Friday, April 29, 2016
Bye for Now, Mom
To the family from Debbie:
"I am sure you are aware of the news of Mom/Grandma's passing into Heaven last night. Here is the obituary from the funeral home's website. I want you to know that Mom/Grandma passed away very peacefully. Her breathing had become very shallow for the last 30 minutes or so, until we could hardly hear her taking a breath. She was in no pain. Then, just as the nurse walked in the room to give her a little more medicine, Mom took one last breath, and then, for the first time in a while, she made an expression of a smile, and then she was gone.
It was a beautiful moment, because, in spite of our sadness, we knew that her last whisper of a smile here was most likely the first moment she opened her eyes into eternity. I don't know who the smile was for, or who was greeting her, but I like to think it was Jesus...as the beloved hymn says, 'I long to see my Savior first of all.'"
==============================================================
MILDRED ELIZABETH ASHLEY (nee Geraldson), 93, of Sagamore Hills, OH, formerly of Binghamton, NY, beloved wife of Willard Ashley, loving mother of Mark (Debbie) Ashley, Elizabeth (Dennis) Eaton, Sharon (Gary) Augustson, Milton (Janice) Ashley and Becky (Ron) Villa, dear grandmother of 11, great grandmother of 12, sister of Helen Johnson and the late Torris Geraldson, Lillian Waid and Stanley Geraldson. Died Sunday March 27, 2016.
The family suggests memorial contributions to Gideon's International or Kindred at Home Hospice.
Service will be Thursday March 31, 2016 at 7:00 pm at the Northfield Baptist Church, 311 West Aurora Rd., Northfield, OH, where the family will receive friends from 6-7 pm. Interment will be at Ohio Western Reserve National Cemetery.
"I am sure you are aware of the news of Mom/Grandma's passing into Heaven last night. Here is the obituary from the funeral home's website. I want you to know that Mom/Grandma passed away very peacefully. Her breathing had become very shallow for the last 30 minutes or so, until we could hardly hear her taking a breath. She was in no pain. Then, just as the nurse walked in the room to give her a little more medicine, Mom took one last breath, and then, for the first time in a while, she made an expression of a smile, and then she was gone.
It was a beautiful moment, because, in spite of our sadness, we knew that her last whisper of a smile here was most likely the first moment she opened her eyes into eternity. I don't know who the smile was for, or who was greeting her, but I like to think it was Jesus...as the beloved hymn says, 'I long to see my Savior first of all.'"
==============================================================
MILDRED ELIZABETH ASHLEY (nee Geraldson), 93, of Sagamore Hills, OH, formerly of Binghamton, NY, beloved wife of Willard Ashley, loving mother of Mark (Debbie) Ashley, Elizabeth (Dennis) Eaton, Sharon (Gary) Augustson, Milton (Janice) Ashley and Becky (Ron) Villa, dear grandmother of 11, great grandmother of 12, sister of Helen Johnson and the late Torris Geraldson, Lillian Waid and Stanley Geraldson. Died Sunday March 27, 2016. The family suggests memorial contributions to Gideon's International or Kindred at Home Hospice.
Service will be Thursday March 31, 2016 at 7:00 pm at the Northfield Baptist Church, 311 West Aurora Rd., Northfield, OH, where the family will receive friends from 6-7 pm. Interment will be at Ohio Western Reserve National Cemetery.
March 27, 2016 -- Resurrection Sunday
Morning news from Ohio was that there was no real change overnight in Mom's condition.
Mom's condition has not changed much overnight. Dad slept and we went home to sleep as the hospice nurse felt she could call us at any time and we could get there before anything major happened. I was there this morning to make sure Dad went to breakfast, which he did without having to convince him - he was really hungry :) Mark is going over before he heads to church - he is planning to preach this morning. It's a beautiful Easter morning here, and all is well :)
--------------------
I decided that if Mark could preach, I could do the singing I planned to do at church. Friends at church knew I had been to Ohio and why -- I decided I would be all right with this, as long as no one asked me about my trip. Any who did I told I would talk about it after church. Initially, I had thought I would not go to church nor go to Dennis's mom's for dinner; but with this report, I went ahead with the day's plans.
--------------------------
About 3:30 pm this is what Debbie shared: "Mom's vitals are decreasing. The nurse could not find a pulse just now but she is still breathing. Seems she may go to heaven tonight." I knew that I did not want to leave the house the rest of the afternoon or evening, after we got back from dinner. I knew my mom was near the end of her earthly life, and I really did not feel like going anywhere OR missing the call I would receive, as Debbie had said that they would not tell us first by messages, someone would call.
------------------------
About 8:30 pm, this was the update: "Not much to report. Mom's breathing is more shallow. David Geraldson called and Mark held his phone up to Mom's ear and he spoke to her for a minute. Ginny called and talked to Mark. They are planning to come for the funeral. Jonathan came and said goodbye to Grandma. Friends from our church stopped by and ended up chatting with Dad for a while and listened to all his war stories. Dad went in again this evening and spoke to Mom. He does seem to realize the finality of things. Right now we found a TV show on airplanes so he is telling the hospice chaplain all about the airplanes he has flown. So we continue to take things as they come...."
---------------------------
By 9:00 pm, Mom was in Heaven, spending the last part of Resurrection Sunday in Heaven with her Savior! When Milt called me to tell me the news, I said to Dennis, "She's gone." I was teary, how I would be for days to come. Mom is rejoicing.
Love this sculpture
Mom's condition has not changed much overnight. Dad slept and we went home to sleep as the hospice nurse felt she could call us at any time and we could get there before anything major happened. I was there this morning to make sure Dad went to breakfast, which he did without having to convince him - he was really hungry :) Mark is going over before he heads to church - he is planning to preach this morning. It's a beautiful Easter morning here, and all is well :)
--------------------
I decided that if Mark could preach, I could do the singing I planned to do at church. Friends at church knew I had been to Ohio and why -- I decided I would be all right with this, as long as no one asked me about my trip. Any who did I told I would talk about it after church. Initially, I had thought I would not go to church nor go to Dennis's mom's for dinner; but with this report, I went ahead with the day's plans.
--------------------------
About 3:30 pm this is what Debbie shared: "Mom's vitals are decreasing. The nurse could not find a pulse just now but she is still breathing. Seems she may go to heaven tonight." I knew that I did not want to leave the house the rest of the afternoon or evening, after we got back from dinner. I knew my mom was near the end of her earthly life, and I really did not feel like going anywhere OR missing the call I would receive, as Debbie had said that they would not tell us first by messages, someone would call.
------------------------
About 8:30 pm, this was the update: "Not much to report. Mom's breathing is more shallow. David Geraldson called and Mark held his phone up to Mom's ear and he spoke to her for a minute. Ginny called and talked to Mark. They are planning to come for the funeral. Jonathan came and said goodbye to Grandma. Friends from our church stopped by and ended up chatting with Dad for a while and listened to all his war stories. Dad went in again this evening and spoke to Mom. He does seem to realize the finality of things. Right now we found a TV show on airplanes so he is telling the hospice chaplain all about the airplanes he has flown. So we continue to take things as they come...."
---------------------------By 9:00 pm, Mom was in Heaven, spending the last part of Resurrection Sunday in Heaven with her Savior! When Milt called me to tell me the news, I said to Dennis, "She's gone." I was teary, how I would be for days to come. Mom is rejoicing.
Love this sculpture
March 26, 2016
from Debbie
. . . The news to share tonight is that there are signs that Mom's body is beginning to shut down. There was no output of fluids today, which is an indicator that the kidneys may be shutting down, which is usually the first thing to happen. Also, there are some specific markings on the body that are indicative of things shutting down. Mom was not responsive at all today. She was occasionally restless, but not like she had been previously. [Terri had talked about these markings to Becky and me Friday night.]
Liz and Becky talked with one of the other hospice nurses this evening for a while. This nurse, based on her 13 yrs experience, suggested that perhaps Mom could last 7-10 days longer, Of course, there is no way to really know, but this nurse noted that Mom is a strong, "stubborn" woman, so who knows what will happen :) On the other hand, due to her extreme weight loss, she could go quickly. This same nurse talked to Dad this evening and gave him some very basic info and chatted with him. Dad seems to be doing OK overall, seems to grasp generally what is coming.
As things progress, and it seems Mom's passing is clearly coming, there will be hospice nurses there around the clock, so Dad will not be alone, nor will Mom. Of course, we will also be there as much as we can -- we will take this one step at a time. . .
----------
Becky and I stopped by Saturday morning on our way home. We took time to read with Dad from his devotional book and then pray with him. I then said to Becky I wanted to go in and read to Mom and pray with her. Becky didn't think she could help me out with that. So, I went in, took a seat, and read to her Psalm 121 and Psalm 23. I prayed with her. Hard, but it was what I wanted to do.
As I got up to leave, I said to Mom, "Thanks for being a good Mom. I love you." Then I kissed her and left. Becky went in after me, but I have no idea what she did or said.
By Saturday evening, things really began to change. I cried again.
--------------------------------------
"Just got a call from hospice - Mom has declined significantly this afternoon. They are beginning 24 hour vigil. Oxygen levels are declining. Breaths are farther apart. She could pass away as soon as tomorrow."
. . . The news to share tonight is that there are signs that Mom's body is beginning to shut down. There was no output of fluids today, which is an indicator that the kidneys may be shutting down, which is usually the first thing to happen. Also, there are some specific markings on the body that are indicative of things shutting down. Mom was not responsive at all today. She was occasionally restless, but not like she had been previously. [Terri had talked about these markings to Becky and me Friday night.]
Liz and Becky talked with one of the other hospice nurses this evening for a while. This nurse, based on her 13 yrs experience, suggested that perhaps Mom could last 7-10 days longer, Of course, there is no way to really know, but this nurse noted that Mom is a strong, "stubborn" woman, so who knows what will happen :) On the other hand, due to her extreme weight loss, she could go quickly. This same nurse talked to Dad this evening and gave him some very basic info and chatted with him. Dad seems to be doing OK overall, seems to grasp generally what is coming.
As things progress, and it seems Mom's passing is clearly coming, there will be hospice nurses there around the clock, so Dad will not be alone, nor will Mom. Of course, we will also be there as much as we can -- we will take this one step at a time. . .
----------
Becky and I stopped by Saturday morning on our way home. We took time to read with Dad from his devotional book and then pray with him. I then said to Becky I wanted to go in and read to Mom and pray with her. Becky didn't think she could help me out with that. So, I went in, took a seat, and read to her Psalm 121 and Psalm 23. I prayed with her. Hard, but it was what I wanted to do.
As I got up to leave, I said to Mom, "Thanks for being a good Mom. I love you." Then I kissed her and left. Becky went in after me, but I have no idea what she did or said.
By Saturday evening, things really began to change. I cried again.
--------------------------------------
"Just got a call from hospice - Mom has declined significantly this afternoon. They are beginning 24 hour vigil. Oxygen levels are declining. Breaths are farther apart. She could pass away as soon as tomorrow."
My Sister-in-Law Shares on Her Blog
"The Last Journey"
March 25, 2016
I am watching my mother-in-law slowly leaving us. Yesterday as I sat by her bedside, she lay quietly, breathing, eyes closed yet occasionally flickering as if she might stir. Her body is very weak. Always a thin woman, her slight features seem more pronounced as weight loss takes its toll. Her fine grey hair forms a tousled crown against the pillow behind her head. It is quiet in her room, the only noise being the steady hum of the hospital bed fan blowing a continuous stream of air into the mattress for ease in adjusting her frail body. Comfort care is our only remaining option.
It’s funny how the mind jumps from the present, to the future, to the past -and back again- while sitting by the side of a dying loved one. My thoughts wandered to my past with her. The days when Mom was the loving grandma reading books to my young sons, the mother-in-law who had this new bride and groom over for Sunday dinners nearly every week, and the diligent keeper of family celebrations and memories. She made sure her family ate healthy, read the Bible, and had intelligent conversation at the dinner table. If Pepsi or too many French fries appeared at a meal, she would exclaim, “Horrors upon us!”, which really meant she wouldn’t try to prevent consumption of the offending product but she wanted to be sure we knew what she thought of it.
In the present, life has been a severe struggle for this gentle woman. The slow process of losing strength and ability to manage life is not for the faint of heart. She does not appear today as the person we have known and loved, yet we know somewhere inside is the same loving heart and keen mind that made her so special to us.
And the future? While it seems we are down to weeks- or maybe days- left with Mom, her future is bright. She has been saying for a long time now that she wants to be with Jesus. I was in the emergency room with Mom this past August when a bladder infection took a terrible toll on her. A nurse sat me down and explained that Mom had “failure to thrive”. I informed her that two days ago Mom had been eating soup and talking to people – she certainly did not have failure to thrive. When asked how she came to this conclusion, the nurse replied, “Mildred keeps saying she wants to be with Jesus.” I tried to keep from snickering as I explained to the nurse, “Oh no, that’s not failure to thrive. She knows exactly what she is saying- and she means it. She really would rather be with Jesus. But she is still here, and for now we are going to take care of this infection so she can get home and back to eating soup and talking to people.” And Mom did.
But this time, Mom is taking her last journey. This time Mom will get her wish granted. Her future is bright because she knows the One who is going to take her hand and lead her safely through the valley of the shadow of death into the glorious presence of Jesus. Once inside Heavens gates, she will hear the words of her Savior, “Well done, thou good and faithful servant.” The faint smile that is now a passing shadow will become a brilliant exclamation of joy as she finally makes it Home.
Why can we be at peace as Mom slips away from us? Because on this Good Friday we remember another Person who took His last journey two thousand years ago, a journey to a cross of crucifixion where He gave His life for the ransom of mankind from our sins. Because Jesus died, was buried, and rose again the third day, we can receive forgiveness of our sins by grace through faith in His redemptive act. Jesus’ last journey to the cross opened the way for our journey into eternity with Him. Mom believes this with all her heart. I do as well. And I hope, on this Good Friday, you do too.
https://pwmja5.com/2016/03/25/the-last-journey-a-good-friday-meditation/
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Things shared here have been a comfort to me in that it was difficult for any of us to see Mom the way she was for the past few years -- not like the woman we knew and loved. Yet, with Mark and Debbie living as close as they did, there were times they saw glimpses of the Mom we knew.
March 25, 2016
I am watching my mother-in-law slowly leaving us. Yesterday as I sat by her bedside, she lay quietly, breathing, eyes closed yet occasionally flickering as if she might stir. Her body is very weak. Always a thin woman, her slight features seem more pronounced as weight loss takes its toll. Her fine grey hair forms a tousled crown against the pillow behind her head. It is quiet in her room, the only noise being the steady hum of the hospital bed fan blowing a continuous stream of air into the mattress for ease in adjusting her frail body. Comfort care is our only remaining option.
It’s funny how the mind jumps from the present, to the future, to the past -and back again- while sitting by the side of a dying loved one. My thoughts wandered to my past with her. The days when Mom was the loving grandma reading books to my young sons, the mother-in-law who had this new bride and groom over for Sunday dinners nearly every week, and the diligent keeper of family celebrations and memories. She made sure her family ate healthy, read the Bible, and had intelligent conversation at the dinner table. If Pepsi or too many French fries appeared at a meal, she would exclaim, “Horrors upon us!”, which really meant she wouldn’t try to prevent consumption of the offending product but she wanted to be sure we knew what she thought of it.
In the present, life has been a severe struggle for this gentle woman. The slow process of losing strength and ability to manage life is not for the faint of heart. She does not appear today as the person we have known and loved, yet we know somewhere inside is the same loving heart and keen mind that made her so special to us.
And the future? While it seems we are down to weeks- or maybe days- left with Mom, her future is bright. She has been saying for a long time now that she wants to be with Jesus. I was in the emergency room with Mom this past August when a bladder infection took a terrible toll on her. A nurse sat me down and explained that Mom had “failure to thrive”. I informed her that two days ago Mom had been eating soup and talking to people – she certainly did not have failure to thrive. When asked how she came to this conclusion, the nurse replied, “Mildred keeps saying she wants to be with Jesus.” I tried to keep from snickering as I explained to the nurse, “Oh no, that’s not failure to thrive. She knows exactly what she is saying- and she means it. She really would rather be with Jesus. But she is still here, and for now we are going to take care of this infection so she can get home and back to eating soup and talking to people.” And Mom did.
But this time, Mom is taking her last journey. This time Mom will get her wish granted. Her future is bright because she knows the One who is going to take her hand and lead her safely through the valley of the shadow of death into the glorious presence of Jesus. Once inside Heavens gates, she will hear the words of her Savior, “Well done, thou good and faithful servant.” The faint smile that is now a passing shadow will become a brilliant exclamation of joy as she finally makes it Home.
Why can we be at peace as Mom slips away from us? Because on this Good Friday we remember another Person who took His last journey two thousand years ago, a journey to a cross of crucifixion where He gave His life for the ransom of mankind from our sins. Because Jesus died, was buried, and rose again the third day, we can receive forgiveness of our sins by grace through faith in His redemptive act. Jesus’ last journey to the cross opened the way for our journey into eternity with Him. Mom believes this with all her heart. I do as well. And I hope, on this Good Friday, you do too.
https://pwmja5.com/2016/03/25/the-last-journey-a-good-friday-meditation/
---------------------
Things shared here have been a comfort to me in that it was difficult for any of us to see Mom the way she was for the past few years -- not like the woman we knew and loved. Yet, with Mark and Debbie living as close as they did, there were times they saw glimpses of the Mom we knew.
March 25, 2016
When I went into Mom's room on Wednesday afternoon, I greeted her, "Hi, Mom!" Faintly I heard her say, "Elizabeth." That was the last thing my mother said to me. To see her, though, was heart-breaking. She was nothing more than skin covering bone.
Thursday morning, early, a call had come to Mark and Debbie's that Mom had fallen out of bed. Because no one knew whether or not she had hit her head, she was being taken to the ER. A hospice nurse came over to Elmcroft to ride in the ambulance with Mom. Debbie and Becky caught up with them at the hospital. They were back by mid-morning, as there were no signs of injury.
We talked not just to the Elmcroft nurse but also to the hospice nurse who came by about moving the bed so that the side Mom tended to move towards was by the wall, in case she got moving again. For the night, the suggestion was to lower her bed as close to the floor as possible and lay some pillows on the floor for just in case. By morning hospice had sent over pads we could place on the floor by the bed -- although, she had calmed down.
Friday evening the nurse who initially evaluated Mom for hospice care late this past fall stopped by. This was the first time Terri had seen Mom since then. She was shocked at what she saw. Becky and I wanted to talk with her about Mom's care -- with all that had happened since Thursday morning -- to make sure both Elmcroft as well as Kindred at Home were knowing what was going on. So, we three stepped out into the hallway, as there was more space out there for us to talk. Terri filled Becky and me in on what hospice would do as Mom's time drew to an end. She asked us if we thought Dad knew Mom's condition. We said that he did. There were things he would say to us or ask -- like, "She's not going to get any better" or "She is just getting thinner and thinner" -- which made us sure he knew. (With his dementia, it does create a bit of a challenge.) So, she asked us about her talking with Dad about the next phase. We thought it would be good, as we were there to be in on the conversation and be able to share with Mark and Debbie. (It was Good Friday, and there was an evening service at church.)
Terri told us this:
Anyhow, the visit went well. Dad did fine, as did Becky and me. Terri thought that we had a good handle on things.
So, although we planned to let that night be our final goodbyes, we decided to return Saturday morning to see how Dad was, with what the discussion had been on this evening -- and to be sure Mom was set.
Thursday morning, early, a call had come to Mark and Debbie's that Mom had fallen out of bed. Because no one knew whether or not she had hit her head, she was being taken to the ER. A hospice nurse came over to Elmcroft to ride in the ambulance with Mom. Debbie and Becky caught up with them at the hospital. They were back by mid-morning, as there were no signs of injury.
We talked not just to the Elmcroft nurse but also to the hospice nurse who came by about moving the bed so that the side Mom tended to move towards was by the wall, in case she got moving again. For the night, the suggestion was to lower her bed as close to the floor as possible and lay some pillows on the floor for just in case. By morning hospice had sent over pads we could place on the floor by the bed -- although, she had calmed down.
Friday evening the nurse who initially evaluated Mom for hospice care late this past fall stopped by. This was the first time Terri had seen Mom since then. She was shocked at what she saw. Becky and I wanted to talk with her about Mom's care -- with all that had happened since Thursday morning -- to make sure both Elmcroft as well as Kindred at Home were knowing what was going on. So, we three stepped out into the hallway, as there was more space out there for us to talk. Terri filled Becky and me in on what hospice would do as Mom's time drew to an end. She asked us if we thought Dad knew Mom's condition. We said that he did. There were things he would say to us or ask -- like, "She's not going to get any better" or "She is just getting thinner and thinner" -- which made us sure he knew. (With his dementia, it does create a bit of a challenge.) So, she asked us about her talking with Dad about the next phase. We thought it would be good, as we were there to be in on the conversation and be able to share with Mark and Debbie. (It was Good Friday, and there was an evening service at church.)
Terri told us this:
- Once it seemed that Mom was nearing the end of life, hospice people would be there 24/7.
- If any of us were not with Mom the moment she passed on, we were not to feel guilty about that. (As it was, Mark, Debbie, and Jon were there.)
- Grieving -- not just Dad, but us children
- Grief counseling available for 13 months for any of us who might need it (someone does stop by to talk to Dad)
Anyhow, the visit went well. Dad did fine, as did Becky and me. Terri thought that we had a good handle on things.
So, although we planned to let that night be our final goodbyes, we decided to return Saturday morning to see how Dad was, with what the discussion had been on this evening -- and to be sure Mom was set.
March 21, 2016
Update we received:
I just returned from Elmcroft. Mom was not very responsive today. She did not open her eyes and did not attempt to say anything. She didn't move around as much as she did on Saturday. She did not hold my hand - I curled her fingers around my hand. I think she might have known I was there but I'm not sure. I said "hi" to her a few times and rubbed her hair, but she did not make any attempt to respond to that. Dad came in and sat by her bed for a few minutes also, and I think she heard him coughing and tried to turn her head a bit, but she did not seem to have the energy/ability to turn towards him (if she did hear him).
I think she may have eaten a little bit of food in the last 24 hours, but not much. I was there when the evening shift was on, so the aide checked the report -- it said that breakfast had been brought up to her, but it didn't give a specific amount that she ate. There was an open container of sweet potatoes on the table that had a little bit out of it. She did not ask for any water or anything while I was there.
Not much else to say/report -- it seems things are in a bit of a holding pattern for now. Will see what tomorrow brings.
==================
Becky and I arrived Wednesday afternoon. It is difficult to explain what it feels like to be making a trip where you know you are going to see your loved one a final time. Saying "Good bye" is not easy, even though we know Mom's destination would be Heaven. It wasn't until Friday afternoon, when Becky and I were getting supper that we let on how we had dreaded the day. At that point, we thought we would say goodbye that night; but with things that happened Thursday morning and Friday evening, we decided to stop by one more time. Still, . . . not easy.
I just returned from Elmcroft. Mom was not very responsive today. She did not open her eyes and did not attempt to say anything. She didn't move around as much as she did on Saturday. She did not hold my hand - I curled her fingers around my hand. I think she might have known I was there but I'm not sure. I said "hi" to her a few times and rubbed her hair, but she did not make any attempt to respond to that. Dad came in and sat by her bed for a few minutes also, and I think she heard him coughing and tried to turn her head a bit, but she did not seem to have the energy/ability to turn towards him (if she did hear him).
I think she may have eaten a little bit of food in the last 24 hours, but not much. I was there when the evening shift was on, so the aide checked the report -- it said that breakfast had been brought up to her, but it didn't give a specific amount that she ate. There was an open container of sweet potatoes on the table that had a little bit out of it. She did not ask for any water or anything while I was there.
Not much else to say/report -- it seems things are in a bit of a holding pattern for now. Will see what tomorrow brings.
==================
Becky and I arrived Wednesday afternoon. It is difficult to explain what it feels like to be making a trip where you know you are going to see your loved one a final time. Saying "Good bye" is not easy, even though we know Mom's destination would be Heaven. It wasn't until Friday afternoon, when Becky and I were getting supper that we let on how we had dreaded the day. At that point, we thought we would say goodbye that night; but with things that happened Thursday morning and Friday evening, we decided to stop by one more time. Still, . . . not easy.
March 18, 2016
I had wrestled with making a trip out to Ohio to see Mom one last time. I preferred the memory I had of her when I saw her at Christmas time -- she did spend her time in bed, but she would get herself up and into her wheelchair to get herself to the bathroom or be ready to have an aide take her down to the dining room for meals. She had also been more interactive and conversant. We had gotten out some old pictures and autograph books of hers and went through them with her. Mom seemed more like we wished she would be more often.
At our Christmas dinner, though, she had one of her blackouts, which we had heard about. She will suddenly slump over and be non-responsive. The first time it happened, she was taken to the ER. Tests showed nothing abnormal. So, the few other times it happened, she would be taken to the nurse's station to be helped. Thoughts were that she was having mini-strokes.
The last night I was over to see her before I left for home, she was singing in her room. She had talked with Janice and me a bit, but she was tired from the busy afternoon of going through some of her things. On our way out the door, she turned her head toward us and waved. She did not get anxious or anything. This was the picture I wanted to retain.
Becky and a friend had traveled out for the day to see Mom. While Becky would spend her time primarily with Mom, her friend enjoyed talking with Dad. (Sometimes Dad is off, due to his dementia; other times, he does quite well. This was one of his good days.)
I was feeling pulled -- stay or go . . . stay or go . . . stay or go. Debbie was able to do Face Time, and then I could see Mom and she see me. I did most of the talking, but she sometimes would faintly reply, and Debbie would pass on to me what she had said. (Debbie had done Face Time with the California relatives, which is why it seemed worth a try, if we could catch Mom at a time when she was being responsive.) Debbie commented later that this -- and the time she did Face Time with the Californians -- Mom was the most responsive she had been in weeks. Yea! I decided not to head to Ohio the weekend of March 18.
=====================
Update:
Dr Sheralie saw Mom this morning. She is taking her off all regular meds, only doing comfort care. Mom was basically unresponsive to her this morning. Mom is considered terminal. If she eats something in the next day or two, she could still keep going for a little longer. If not, she may only last a few days. Mark and I will head over there to see how she is after I finish teaching at noon.
=========================
By Sunday, I decided I was going to head out to Ohio for a few days, leaving Wednesday and returning Saturday. I had Friday off school anyhow (Good Friday). I asked Becky if she would like to go along. So, I drove up to pick her up and head to Ohio.
At our Christmas dinner, though, she had one of her blackouts, which we had heard about. She will suddenly slump over and be non-responsive. The first time it happened, she was taken to the ER. Tests showed nothing abnormal. So, the few other times it happened, she would be taken to the nurse's station to be helped. Thoughts were that she was having mini-strokes.
The last night I was over to see her before I left for home, she was singing in her room. She had talked with Janice and me a bit, but she was tired from the busy afternoon of going through some of her things. On our way out the door, she turned her head toward us and waved. She did not get anxious or anything. This was the picture I wanted to retain.
Becky and a friend had traveled out for the day to see Mom. While Becky would spend her time primarily with Mom, her friend enjoyed talking with Dad. (Sometimes Dad is off, due to his dementia; other times, he does quite well. This was one of his good days.)
I was feeling pulled -- stay or go . . . stay or go . . . stay or go. Debbie was able to do Face Time, and then I could see Mom and she see me. I did most of the talking, but she sometimes would faintly reply, and Debbie would pass on to me what she had said. (Debbie had done Face Time with the California relatives, which is why it seemed worth a try, if we could catch Mom at a time when she was being responsive.) Debbie commented later that this -- and the time she did Face Time with the Californians -- Mom was the most responsive she had been in weeks. Yea! I decided not to head to Ohio the weekend of March 18.
=====================
Update:
Dr Sheralie saw Mom this morning. She is taking her off all regular meds, only doing comfort care. Mom was basically unresponsive to her this morning. Mom is considered terminal. If she eats something in the next day or two, she could still keep going for a little longer. If not, she may only last a few days. Mark and I will head over there to see how she is after I finish teaching at noon.
=========================
By Sunday, I decided I was going to head out to Ohio for a few days, leaving Wednesday and returning Saturday. I had Friday off school anyhow (Good Friday). I asked Becky if she would like to go along. So, I drove up to pick her up and head to Ohio.
March 11, 2016
Because of the news we had received, we all were debating making trips to Ohio to see Mom. My brother Milt and Janice decided to fly up from Greenville (SC) the first weekend in March, as the weekends of March were busy for them -- although they could come at another date, should Mom pass.
Milt commented on how sweet Dad had been to Mom while he and Janice were visiting. In recent years, Dad had become frustrated with Mom many times because she would not eat or make any real effort to appear to care to take care of herself. There were times he would make comments to her that did not need to be said. When any of us visited Dad and Mom and heard some of those remarks, we would remind him to be kind or we might have to send his pastor (Mark) over to give counsel.
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This was the update on March 11
While I was at Elmcroft today, one of the hospice nurses arrived. She explained to us why she feels Mom needs a hospital bed - it will allow the aides to sit Mom up without having to pick her up and put her in a wheelchair. Mom will be able to eat in bed if/as necessary. Also, it will be easier for them to shift Mom's body weight around so we can avoid bed sores. Hospice provides this bed for free. At this point we are going to aim to have it delivered on Monday. This means we will be moving the queen bed out, putting the hospital bed in the bedroom, and putting a twin bed in the living room for Dad. Also, hospice is providing a wheelchair that has a tilt-back feature, so when Mom is in the wheelchair she can actually be leaned back slightly to keep the pressure off her hip. This is supposed to arrive tomorrow. I do think these items are necessary, but still a change for Mom and Dad, so I am sure it will create some stress and confusion, especially for Dad.
Mom did eat a little breakfast this morning but refused lunch and only ate two spoons of baby food green beans for dinner. Dad does realize she is continuing to lose weight and is not doing well. He told me today he has stopped telling her that he is the boss because he didn't think he needed to say that anymore -- I thought that was interesting :) I will keep you posted on any other happenings.
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With this change that was made in the accommodations, it ended up preparing Dad for his move into a studio apartment the first part of April. He had a chance to get used to the idea of living in one room. He also was able to begin to get used to a different bed -- a twin that had a back that could be raised. He could watch TV not only from his recliner but also from bed.
When Dad was moved to a studio apartment after Mom passed, the furniture was set up like in the living room of his previous apartment. There were a few furniture items that had to be taken out, but still, the look and feel of the room was a lot like what he had just come from.
Milt commented on how sweet Dad had been to Mom while he and Janice were visiting. In recent years, Dad had become frustrated with Mom many times because she would not eat or make any real effort to appear to care to take care of herself. There were times he would make comments to her that did not need to be said. When any of us visited Dad and Mom and heard some of those remarks, we would remind him to be kind or we might have to send his pastor (Mark) over to give counsel.
============
This was the update on March 11
While I was at Elmcroft today, one of the hospice nurses arrived. She explained to us why she feels Mom needs a hospital bed - it will allow the aides to sit Mom up without having to pick her up and put her in a wheelchair. Mom will be able to eat in bed if/as necessary. Also, it will be easier for them to shift Mom's body weight around so we can avoid bed sores. Hospice provides this bed for free. At this point we are going to aim to have it delivered on Monday. This means we will be moving the queen bed out, putting the hospital bed in the bedroom, and putting a twin bed in the living room for Dad. Also, hospice is providing a wheelchair that has a tilt-back feature, so when Mom is in the wheelchair she can actually be leaned back slightly to keep the pressure off her hip. This is supposed to arrive tomorrow. I do think these items are necessary, but still a change for Mom and Dad, so I am sure it will create some stress and confusion, especially for Dad.
Mom did eat a little breakfast this morning but refused lunch and only ate two spoons of baby food green beans for dinner. Dad does realize she is continuing to lose weight and is not doing well. He told me today he has stopped telling her that he is the boss because he didn't think he needed to say that anymore -- I thought that was interesting :) I will keep you posted on any other happenings.
-------------------------------
With this change that was made in the accommodations, it ended up preparing Dad for his move into a studio apartment the first part of April. He had a chance to get used to the idea of living in one room. He also was able to begin to get used to a different bed -- a twin that had a back that could be raised. He could watch TV not only from his recliner but also from bed.
When Dad was moved to a studio apartment after Mom passed, the furniture was set up like in the living room of his previous apartment. There were a few furniture items that had to be taken out, but still, the look and feel of the room was a lot like what he had just come from.
The Beginning of the End
from March 1 message from my sister-in-law Debbie to us siblings:
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Just want you to know that there has been no improvement in Mom's condition. In some ways, things have gotten a bit worse. Mom did not eat anything from Saturday afternoon until breakfast this morning [Tuesday]. She is refusing to take any pain meds, not even Tylenol. They tried taking her to the dining hall last evening to see if she would eat. When they got her to the dining hall, she started screaming. She wouldn't stop. So they took her back upstairs and got her back in bed. They gave her a fast-acting anti-anxiety med to calm her down, which helped. She did eat some breakfast this morning, but only because the aide brought it to her and fed her in bed. (I'm not sure they can keep doing this- it's not "assisted living" when you can't feed yourself).
She continues to be non-interactive. I was there Saturday afternoon, Sunday afternoon and Sunday evening. She knew I was there but didn't respond to me much at all. I sat and held her hand for a while and tried to ask her a few questions. She would look at me without any expression and nod her head yes or no. She did tell me at one point that she couldn't find her pendant, but she had a little difficulty saying the words. We found the pendant in the sheets.
I talked with a nurse Sunday night, and then today I got a full report from the Elmcroft nurse and the hospice nurse. I asked them for a prognosis on Mom. Their exact words were "We are baffled. We have never seen a case like this. Most people have passed by now once they are in this state. But her heart just keeps ticking" (which they are glad for). Because there is no disease or degenerative condition happening (no kidneys shutting down, etc), there is really nothing for them to measure her condition by.
So I asked the really tough question, the one that has been on my mind: "Do you think she will still be here at Easter?" The nurse said, "I don't know, but I would tend to think maybe not." There is no way to know, of course, and hospice has not given indication of any of the typical signs of a person's body shutting down. But I do think it is fair to say that Mom is reaching a point where she is not going to be able to rally, and the tipping point for that may not be too far away. There is no way to really know, but it is something that we all need to begin thinking about, and what that might look like over the next weeks.
I hope I have explained things in a manner that makes it easy to understand, doesn't cause alarm, yet gives you the info you need to process things and think ahead a little bit. If you have any questions, please feel free to ask and I will fill you in as best I can. The Lord has given all of us wisdom every step of the way so far and I know He will continue to do so!
-----------------------
With this news, my siblings and I began to think of planning our mother's memorial service, as we figured Mom's earthly life would be done before the end of the month. The first project was going through pictures.
-------
Just want you to know that there has been no improvement in Mom's condition. In some ways, things have gotten a bit worse. Mom did not eat anything from Saturday afternoon until breakfast this morning [Tuesday]. She is refusing to take any pain meds, not even Tylenol. They tried taking her to the dining hall last evening to see if she would eat. When they got her to the dining hall, she started screaming. She wouldn't stop. So they took her back upstairs and got her back in bed. They gave her a fast-acting anti-anxiety med to calm her down, which helped. She did eat some breakfast this morning, but only because the aide brought it to her and fed her in bed. (I'm not sure they can keep doing this- it's not "assisted living" when you can't feed yourself).
She continues to be non-interactive. I was there Saturday afternoon, Sunday afternoon and Sunday evening. She knew I was there but didn't respond to me much at all. I sat and held her hand for a while and tried to ask her a few questions. She would look at me without any expression and nod her head yes or no. She did tell me at one point that she couldn't find her pendant, but she had a little difficulty saying the words. We found the pendant in the sheets.
I talked with a nurse Sunday night, and then today I got a full report from the Elmcroft nurse and the hospice nurse. I asked them for a prognosis on Mom. Their exact words were "We are baffled. We have never seen a case like this. Most people have passed by now once they are in this state. But her heart just keeps ticking" (which they are glad for). Because there is no disease or degenerative condition happening (no kidneys shutting down, etc), there is really nothing for them to measure her condition by.
So I asked the really tough question, the one that has been on my mind: "Do you think she will still be here at Easter?" The nurse said, "I don't know, but I would tend to think maybe not." There is no way to know, of course, and hospice has not given indication of any of the typical signs of a person's body shutting down. But I do think it is fair to say that Mom is reaching a point where she is not going to be able to rally, and the tipping point for that may not be too far away. There is no way to really know, but it is something that we all need to begin thinking about, and what that might look like over the next weeks.
I hope I have explained things in a manner that makes it easy to understand, doesn't cause alarm, yet gives you the info you need to process things and think ahead a little bit. If you have any questions, please feel free to ask and I will fill you in as best I can. The Lord has given all of us wisdom every step of the way so far and I know He will continue to do so!
-----------------------
With this news, my siblings and I began to think of planning our mother's memorial service, as we figured Mom's earthly life would be done before the end of the month. The first project was going through pictures.
Why Write?
Thirty-three days ago my mother passed from this life to Heaven. Weeks before this and weeks since this have been spent reflecting on the life of my mother. Things said and shared I do not want to forget. Thus, this blog begins.
I will be posting a variety of things: pictures, email messages, blog postings by siblings, and my own musings.
I am hoping that this process will be a help to me -- maybe my siblings -- as we grieve our loss and go on. With my father being 93, we realize that we soon may again be dealing with the loss of a loved one.
I will be posting a variety of things: pictures, email messages, blog postings by siblings, and my own musings.
I am hoping that this process will be a help to me -- maybe my siblings -- as we grieve our loss and go on. With my father being 93, we realize that we soon may again be dealing with the loss of a loved one.
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